The Saga of the Staff
4 - "The Three Musketeers, a pair of jeans and one blonde wig"
Faz sat on the bed and looked around the room. It was
slightly messy… and there seemed to be a blonde wig on the table across
from him. Alfred was just outside, doing something… he didn’t know
what. Looking down at his jeans, he noticed they were a bit mucky. He
began to dust them off, but the dust was very stubborn.
“Don’t worry. You won’t be wearing them soon anyway!”
Alfred had entered the room and was looking at whom he
thought was Claire Redfield dusting down her jeans. Faz looked up at
Alfred… and his eyes widened. Stood before him was Alfred Ashford in
nothing but his socks!!! Faz looked down at the floor.
‘What the hell have Andy and Mike got me into now?!’
He needed to find a way out of this situation… and fast! The
only thing he could think to do was…
Andy looked over at Sam and smiled.
“Alright Sam! It’s us! Andy and Mikey!!!” He said,
Sam just looked at Andy and stared right into his eyes.
Somehow, Sam didn’t believe him… but then again, how could he be
lying? Plus, he had been sucked into this game… so it was quite possible
these two had too.
“Okay then… if you are who you say you are… who is my
favourite Street Fighter chick?!” Asked Sam, expecting them not to know.
“Rose!” Piped up Mikey, pretty sure that was the answer.
“Oh my god! It is you!!!” Said Sam, getting up.
“We need to get out of this cell, Sam. Can you find the key
and get us out please?!” Asked Andy.
“Sure! Let me see…” Said Sam as he began to look around
Eventually, he found the keys… attached to the belt he was
wearing! There seemed to be about ten keys on this chain, so he would have
to try each and every one. He began.
…to start a conversation about his sister, Alexia.
“So… how’s your sister doing these days?” Asked Faz.
Alfred looked at Faz, shocked.
“How did… how did you know about my sister?!” He
“Oh… I read about her someplace… and I think I’ve seen her before somewhere…” Said Faz, lying out of his teeth.
Alfred sat down on the bed beside Faz and looked down at the
“What’s wrong, Alfred?” Asked Faz.
“Oh… I just miss my sister terribly. I wish to be with
her every day, but I can’t be. Instead, I’m here, looking after this
silly base!” Alfred seemed on the edge of tears.
Faz edged his hand towards his shoulder and lightly tapped it
“It’s okay Mister Ashford, man. Don’t worry ‘bout
it!” Said Faz, trying to be as comforting as possible.
“But it’s so hard!”
Faz took his hand away and looked away from Alfred.
“I mean, it’s difficult to cope without her! I don’t
know how much longer I can live without her!” He said.
Faz looked relieved, and looked over at Alfred. He looked set
to cry… and suddenly, he burst out in tears! Then, he leant over and put
his head on Faz’s shoulder, and cried his heart out. Faz wasn’t too
happy about this… but at least the guy wasn’t writhing around on top
It was always the last key! In every movie and TV show, the
last key opened the cell door. They should have known! The door opened,
and Mikey and Andy stepped out. After shaking hands with one another, Sam
was informed of the current situation.
“Jesus! That sounds awful!” Said Sam after hearing about
Faz’s predicament. “Surely Andrew should be up there with Alfred! I
“Yes, but I’m not Claire Redfield, am I?!” Interrupted
“Look guys, we need a plan to get Faz away from Alf… and
suing the games companies won’t get us anywhere.” Said Mikey.
“Hmmm… Well, we could…” Andy was interrupted by
“No! You got Faz into that mess, so Sam and I will think of
The three of them stood there for a few minutes, deep in
thought. How the hell could they save Faz from Alfred?! It seemed that no
one could think of any way to get Faz away from that evil cross-dresser…
“Erm… why don’t we just storm into his room and drag
Faz out? There are more of us, after all…” Suggested Sam, realising
how simple this could be.
“Oh yeh… now, why didn’t I think of that earlier?!”
Said Mikey, surprised at himself.
“I was formulating a plan whereby we dressed up as Chinese
opera singers and climbed in through his window, sung a song and sneaked
Faz out at the end… but your plan seems a little easier, Sam.” Said
The other two just stared at him for a second and then began
to walk out of the prison area.
“What did I say?!” Asked Andy, following them out
Faz had been listening to Alfred cry for a while now, and it
was really starting to get to him… especially when every time he looked
down he could see ‘it’. It was time to make a break for it. There was
no way he could take it any longer… but how would he make his escape?!
‘Think Farooq! Think!’ He thought to himself.
It was no good… he really couldn’t think of a way out
without Alfred stopping or killing him. One silly thing came to mind. It
was daft… but maybe it was worth a try…
“Oh… Alfred! I think I need the toilet… and I need to
powder my nose. Will you be alright on your own for a second?” He asked,
hoping desperately that this would work.
“*sniff* Alright… its down the hall and through the
secret door on the left…” Said Alfred, still teary eyed.
“Okay then… I’ll be right back!” Faz said, getting
YES! He was going to get out! Then he could free the others
and find a way out of this game…
Faz walked towards the door and was about to turn the knob
The trio ran up the stairs, sure that this was the way to
Alfred’s room. Dodging all the zombies and bandersnatch’s had been
hell… and Sam had escaped with a mild headache. Those buggers grabbed
hold of your head bloody hard!!!
The bats in the corridor were no problem either… and
eventually they got to outside of the door to his room.
“Alright… this is it! Are we ready?!” Asked Mikey,
gearing up for the task ahead.
“Yes, I guess so!” Replied Sam.
“What if they’re… you know… Shall we come back
later?” Asked Andy.
The other two ignored this comment and began to count down
till knocking the door down.
“3, 2, 1!!!!” Counted down Mikey.
All three banged into the door. A flash of bright white
light… then there was no door. Instead, Sam could see what seemed to be
2 spacemen and some aliens in front of him. Also, a woman in an orange PVC
outfit with pink hair…
“ARGH! I’m in Space Channel 5!!!” He screamed.
WELL, ITS SAME TIME, SAME PLACE NEXT
TIME PEOPLE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED THIS TIME!!!
DID EVERYONE GET TO SPACE CHANNEL 5???
WILL FAZ BE A GIRL?
CAN I THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON… THE SAGA OF
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