Saga of the Staff – Episode 6
Things Go Bad…’
Mikey looked up. He
rubbed his eyes and looked at where he was. It seemed that he was looking
through a window of sorts… a windscreen!!! His hands were on the
steering wheel of a car… Out of the window, a large archway was coming
up, what seemed to be a bar from a slot machine was rolling on top… He
turned swiftly to get through the arch…
Sam opened his eyes after
the blinding light. He attempted to move his arms, but they only seemed to
go forward and backward… not to the sides. He stepped forward… fine.
He attempted to step to the left… he couldn’t! In front on him, he
could not see a thing. There was just white. He turned his head to the
left… to see a static 2D background…
Faz held his head, the
pain making him feel quite sick.
“Andy! Claire! You’ll
pay for this!!!” He shouted.
He slowly opened his
eyes, the pain beginning to fade… However, in front of him seemed to be
graffiti on a wall… He looked to the side, and there was traffic moving
down a road… people… who looked to be… CEL SHADED!!!
“Alright! Now I’m
annoyed!” Shouted Andy as he realised Faz and Claire were gone. “I was
supposed to be gone too!!!”
He looked at Chris, who
seemed to be smiling to himself.
“And what do you find
so funny… MISTER?!” Andy shouted, looking sternly at Chris.
Chris burst out laughing.
“Sorry! It’s the way
you get angry. It’s funny!” He said, calming down.
“Hmpf! At least someone
thinks so…” Andy said, beginning to smile himself.
Mikey drove down this
greatly familiar road. He knew exactly where he was when he had seen the
face of Sonic carved into the side of a cliff face! Mikey was having a
great deal of fun, driving past all the cars, on his way to victory. He
was even singing the songs he knew from the game!
shouted, “My god, I love this game!!!”
Like a master, he power
slid around the next corner, overtaking two other cars in the process. He
laughed at them as he looked in his rear view mirror and carried on
driving. This Daytona-nut seemed to be closing in on the ten in front…
Sam didn’t know where
the hell he was. However, from what he could make out, it was a 2D game!
He looked to his left again, attempting to figure out the background…
where it was from…
Suddenly, a line appeared
in front of him. It was a very narrow, curvy line, which seemed to be
“Ah! I get it! Because
this is 2D, I won’t be able to see my opponent properly… after all,
they are as flat as paper!” Sam said to himself.
He quickly checked the
background again, and suddenly realised that this was, in fact, Street
Fighter 3: 3rd Strike!!! Then, as he was looking to the side,
the character moved past him…
“CHUN LI!!!” He
Faz grinned from ear to
ear when he realised where he was! He looked the other way… to be
confronted with a cell shaded, roller-skating Claire Redfield!!!
“Where are we???”
Asked Claire, looking very puzzled.
“We’re in Jet Set
Radio! The coolest game ever to exist!” Cried Faz.
“Where are we???”
“Oh no! I forgot!
Characters in this game can only repeat one phrase!!!” Faz remembered.
He looked at Claire and
then motioned for her to follow him. Faz skated off down the road…
towards the park!
“Okay… I need to find
a way out of here now…” Said Andy, looking around the room as if the
answer might be lying around.
“Maybe if you hit your
head against the door again!” Chris joked.
They both laughed and
then all fell silent. Suddenly, there was a loud mumble from behind them.
They looked round to spot Alfred moving about, trying to get free.
“Can we please put some
clothes on him???” Asked Andrew.
“I’m sure I could
find something to put on him…” Said Chris, looking around.
He opened a few drawers,
and eventually found a purple dress. The two laughed, and Chris walked up
to Alfred and put it on him. Alfred wasn’t much help as he struggled
still to get free. Chris eventually managed to put it on.
better!” Said Chris, turning to look at Andy.
“Alrighty… Now… how
do I get out of here???” Andy posed the question again.
Mikey slid around yet
another corner, and pulled out of it fast, bumping into the car in front.
“Woah there!” Mikey
said, as he weaved round the car.
Mikey had clawed his way
to 3rd position, and was only on the 2nd lap! The
race was nearly over… he knew that there would not be long left. There
was a high possibility that he would be transported to a new game at the
end of the race… and so he needed to savour every ounce of the
He sped up considerably
as he got into a slipstream. As he pulled closer to the car right in front
of him, he swerved out of the slipstream and whizzed around the car,
taking 2nd position…
Chun Li went past. Sam
turned in mid air to face her. All he could see was the thin line again…
It again moved towards him.
‘Right! This is my
chance to prove that I am truly the Street Fighter master!” He thought
to himself, as he ran forward, and delivered a devastating punch to the
line that was Chun Li.
She stumbled back a bit,
as far as he could tell, but suddenly rushed forward. Another line
extended forward and frantically moved up and down. It hit him a few
times, and Sam stumbled backwards…
“Where are we??? Where
are we??? Where are we???” Repeated Claire over and over, making an
attempt to skate after Faz as fast as she possibly could.
Faz grinded up some
railings, throwing up his hands and yelling “YES!!!” when he reached
the top. Into the park he went, and instantly he saw a red arrow!
“Okay! I’m gonna
spray!!!” Said Faz, very enthusiastically.
“Where are we???”
Claire said, skating up beside him.
Faz ignored her, and took
out a spray can. He began to spray, a pattern emerging in different
colours from that one can… amazing! Then suddenly, Faz felt a sharp pain
in his back. He turned and saw the police behind him, their batons raised!
“Oh no!!!” He cried.
Chris walked towards
Andrew and then straight past him, towards the door.
“I think that the only
way we’ll be able to get out of here is to get off this island!” Chris
said, in his deep voice.
“Really? The only
way???” Andy asked, really hoping that this wasn’t his only chance of
getting out of this game.
way.” Chris replied.
way???” Andy asked again.
way…” Replied Chris, yet again.
The two fell silent for a
“I believe it is the only
way. If you want to try banging your head against the door again, you’re
welcome to do so!” Chris smirked.
Andy giggled and walked
out of the door, which Chris had kindly opened for him.
Mmmmmppppphhh!!!!” Muffled cries came from Alfred.
“Oh shut up, you
cross-dressing freak!” Andy said to Alfred.
He then turned back and
walked out of the door with Chris…
He was in first! He
couldn’t believe it! This was great! He revelled in his glory, taking
his hands of the steering wheel as he raised his hands and yelled:
“I AM THE BEST!!!”
He then checked his rear
view mirror… the car in second position was right on his tail…
It crashed right into the
back of him, sending the car careering off into the side barrier. Mikey
put his hands back on the steering wheel, attempting to swing it back out
before the bonet was crumpled. However, his attempt came too late. So, as
the car smashed full on into the barrier, he put his arms up to protect
exclaimed, as Chun Li yet again knocked him to the floor.
He was finding it
difficult to stand back up again. This was the fourth time she had done
this, and he wasn’t happy. He knew the Street Fighter games back to
front! So why couldn’t he beat this virtual paper-thin lady? It wasn’t
fair at all!
He managed to regain some
of his strength, and pulled himself off the floor, kicking upwards as he
did. He heard the satisfying cry of Chun Li as he hit the bottom of the
line. He stood, and the two were stood face to face…
“I have to do this! One
more attack, and I’m down for the count!” Sam said to himself.
He let out a punch, but
she moved backwards in time to dodge it. He stepped forward and attempted
a kick. She jumped over him. As she landed behind him, she turned. He was
about to let out another kick, but before he could, she punched him right
“Damn! The police found
me already!” Faz shouted.
“Where are we???”
The police then began to
attack Claire!!! Faz skated over and attempted to drag Claire away from
the police, but to no avail. They had her on the floor, and they were
pounding her with their sticks!!! It was no use, Faz had to get away,
without Claire, as he certainly didn’t want to be pounded by the
policemen’s sticks too! That would certainly be a pain in the
He skated away from the
pounding policemen and made his way for the really cool part of this level
that seemed to run under the city… the place where no enemy could get
you! Faz put all of his energy into getting there as fast as he could, but
then… he heard a familiar laugh… followed by a horrible pain in the
back of his neck…
The two men stepped out
of the door and shut it behind them. They began to walk out of the palace,
Chris a few steps ahead. This suited Andy just fine! He just walked and
looked in awe at Chris Redfield’s firm and extremely cute…
“Andrew, where should
we go when we get out of the palace?” Chris broke off Andy’s thoughts,
and he looked up at Chris who was now looking back at him.
“Erm…” Andy just
looked at Chris.
Then, suddenly, Chris’s
eyes widened. His mouth began to open…
you!!!” Chris yelled.
“Wha…?” Andy said,
as he turned around.
A zombie was lumbering
towards him. Andy let out a girlish scream of terror. The zombie continued
forward, it was too close. It grabbed hold of Andy’s shoulders and
groaned, sinking its teeth into his neck.
Andy closed his eyes…
Blackness. There was
nothing else that they could see in front of them. They all looked
around… they saw each other. That was all.
“What…what are we
doing here?” Asked Sam.
“I have no idea…”
Replied Faz. “The last thing I remember was being shot in the back of
“Yeh… I crashed my
car…” Mikey added.
“And I was bitten by a
zombie!” Andy said.
“So why are we here
then? Shouldn’t we be in a game?” Faz said.
“Oh… but you are in a
game!” A deep voice came from the blackness.
The four looked all
around them, trying to pinpoint the source of the voice.
“There is no use
looking. You will not find me. I am not where you are…” The voice
“Where are you
then???” Mikey asked firmly.
“That would be telling
now, wouldn’t it?!” The voice proclaimed.
The four looked at each
other, very confused at what was going on.
“Where are we?” Asked
“You are, my friends,
in a game!” Said the voice.
“But… this isn’t a
game!” Replied Andy.
“Oh… it is! It’s
the beginning of a game. You know… right at the start when things go
black just for a second. That’s where you are!” The voice bellowed.
“Alright, now that
you’ve explained that one, perhaps you’d like to explain to us why we
are here!” Faz said.
“Ah! That is simple my
friends! You are here for 2 purposes!” The voice said.
“To reduce lime scale
build up and protect children from harmful germs?!” Andy hazarded a
Everyone looked at Andy,
thinking him extremely weird.
“What??? NO!” The
voice said. “ You are here to learn your mission in this place, and
also… to determine which one of you will go, and who will replace the
one that leaves!”
“Each of you must vote
one member of your team off the island… I mean… erm… you have to
vote for one member to leave your team and go back home!” Said the
voice. “You must also vote one of these four people onto your team…”
Suddenly, four spotlights
came on in front of the team. They all looked at them.
“The first person you
could pick to join the team is… RYO HAZUKI!!!” An annoying voice-over
man said. Ryo stepped into the first spotlight. “Yes, the man with the
boring and repetitive voice, out to avenge his fathers death, could be on
your team if you choose him tonight!”
“The second person is
the ultra-sexy… Ulala!” Ulala stepped into the second spotlight.
“She’ll be your sexy space kitten any day, and believe me, she is one
sassy lady who knows how to get out of sticky situations!”
“Entering now is your
lovely third choice… Aika!” The lady from Skies of Arcadia stepped
into the third spotlight. “ Yes, this funny-faced, gold obsessed pirate
is sure to be a favourite!”
“Finally, we have
contestant number four… the NEMESIS!!!” The huge mutant from Resident
Evil 3 stomped into the last spotlight. “Now… come on! Who wouldn’t
want this lovely creature as a companion?!”
The spotlights were
filled, and game show type desks appeared in front of Faz, Andy, Mikey and
“First, you will have
to vote a member of your team off. After that, the new member will be
decided. Just who is holding back your progress? Who is creating the most
nuisance in your team? It’s time to vote off who you think is… the
weakest link!!!” The deep voice bellowed from the darkness…
WHAT A CLIFFHANGER! HOW ABOUT THAT?!
BE VOTED OFF THE ISLAND… I MEAN, TEAM!
BE THE LUCKY VIRTUAL CHARACTER WHO IS PICKED TO GO ON THE JOURNEY WITH THE
THEIR ACTUAL MISSION? THE VOICE HASN’T TOLD THEM YET, DARN IT!!!
IT’LL ALL BE SO MUCH CLEARER WHEN YOU TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON… THE
SAGA OF THE STAFF!!!
MORE THING THOUGH…
AM THE ANNOYING VOICE-OVER GUY AT THE END OF THESE ISSUES, I HAVE BEEN
GIVEN THE JOB OF TELLING YOU THAT THE WRITER, ANDREW, IS A LITTLE BIT
STUCK ON WHAT TO DO NEXT. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO TO TAKE OFF THE TEAM, AND
WHO HE SHOULD REPLACE THEM WITH! THAT’S WHY, YOU GUYS WHO READ THIS
COLUMN CAN E-MAIL HIM, TELLING HIM WHO SHOULD BE VOTED OFF, AND WHO SHOULD
BE PUT ONTO THE TEAM! HIS ADDRESS CAN BE FOUND AT THE BOTTOM!
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